Jesus is my Homeboy!

I'm sick and tired of being where I am with God. I know that I am the only one at this point that is holding me back for a few key things. Such as, playing the guitar, learning a second language and teaching. I know that given just a little time and guidance by someone that will push me until I cry and then some, I know that I can do these things. I'm sick of giving up my battles so easily and not caring that I have given up OR not even noticing until a year has past and I've wasted time. aaarrrgggg... I am seriously going to explode if I don't get what is inside of me out of my system and let the world know who I am and not hide behind some jokes or some laughter. I want to be me and to bless other people. NO more of the "I" crap. It's killing me. Although I think most of the time that I have done something to be where I am or play the victim role while around others, it's just my pride or the lack there of. I really am sick of all of this. I want to walk in freedom and to have Jesus as the true center of my life... wholly and completely being my every breath and every thought.

But why is it not that way?